Lately I have been out of sorts. Down in the dumps. Wallowing in self-pity. Crying over spilled milk (literally). Fighting mad. overwhelmed and underappreciated. Angry for no reason. And running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Which makes me look like a lunatic.
My anthem for the past weeks, no months has been f**k the world, don’t ask me for ish! (but only in my head…..cause I do realize the inappropriateness of saying that to my kids).
Nothing is going right and I have had no desire to do anything expect lie in bed and eat my way through everything.(chocolate filled Oreos have been my source of comfort) I snap at everything and everyone ( even my little babies…..sometimes they snap back….totally my fault)
All I want to do is sleep, but I can’t. So I lay awake at night with my mind racing in a million different directions. I feel like i have no control over anything in my life. Everything has been irritating which in turns make irritable. Which makes me snap, which makes me sad and weepy, which makes me look like a lunatic.
I have not been able to write anything because everything comes out sounding like I’m a lunatic. Which might not be far from the truth since I’m feeling kind of crazed. My poor babies, I have been short with them. I never want to hear the never-ending stories but lately it seems if they even breathe wrong mama goes off! (which they so don’t care about because they keep right on talking)!
I have missed a month of Sundays so my soul has been in need of a refill. I have not been taking care of me at all. I have been just getting by. No exercise, no communicating effectively. Which is clearly not working, because I have been behaving like a lunatic. There is a theme here and it is me feeling out-of-place and sad and me behaving like a lunatic! Something has got to give, quick fast in a hurry before I slip off of the side of the mountain and I can’t find my way back to my happy place!
Something has got to change!
So I ended my self-imposed ban on going to church (there really was no reason for me not to go except for straight up laziness) and got my heart back in the right place. (shouts out to Main Baptist Church where Christ is the Main thing!) And last Monday after I dropped the babies off at school, despite my mind and my body telling me to head straight to my house where I could find nearest bag of Lays Potato Chips chased with a Dove Chocolate Bar AND some Hawaiian Punch. I went to the gym and I completed by first day of week three for the Couch to 5k. My body protested every step of the way and I had to stop more than once because my legs were in complete protest and were doing their very best to stop me. I finished and for the first time in a very, very long time I felt better. (It didn’t even bother me that there were people 3x my age lapping me and stopping to ask if I was okay!)
Now I am the first to admit that it takes me two weeks to finish one (especially when I don’t have the proper footwear) but I will not stop. I have to do better for me. I refuse to spend the rest of my days unhappy with me, and then disappointed that I never did anything about.
I want to be happy….no I need to be happy. I have kids to raise, a husband to love, and a family that extends far and wide that needs my special kind of love and happiness! (they all know that they would be so lost without me!)