Category Archives: Letters & More

Attention, Attention

Attention Short People I Gave Birth To:

I love you with my whole heart, and I am truly grateful that you are a part of my life. Your smiles bring me constant joy. Your love for me is completely amazing. You two are absolute delights 95% of the time. That being said short people, you guys are wearing me out! I had more than one kid so that I would NOT be your constant source of entertainment. The two of you are supposed to entertain each other. I don’t want to play hide and seek, and telephone all day long! You guys are like my own personal instant messengers with your minute to minute updates on the lives of LaLa and Shayla ( baby dolls) and your detailed explanations (in part English and part gibberish) about how your cars fell of the couch and ran into the wall. I have constant music because the two of you NEVER stop singing (from the gospel music to the slow jams it is amazing how many songs you know, and how many you are willing to make up just for me! YEAH!)

You guys are not WWE Wrestlers so please stop jumping off of my furniture and on to each other, only to come yelling at momma when things get out of hand. And why oh why do you have to drag each other around the house?Is this really a good idea?  Please stop playing in the bathrooms and putting allllllllll of the toilet paper in the toilet and then yelling I’m done!  Why do you have 4,582 toys if you are going to play with toilet paper? Do you know how much toilet paper costs?

I don’t want to fish things out of vents because you are suddenly MacGyver and you have learned to take the vents off the walls.  Toys and or random items don’t go in there either.  Oh yeah that is not where you put trash either IT GOES IN THE ACTUAL TRASH CAN.   I am doing my best not to raise mini hoarders, so can you please stop storing all of your papers from school on and under your bed.  I am sure you will bring some more papers home next week, so we really don’t need to keep every single piece of paper you bring into the house!

Last but certainly not least, I am not your maid. You are both old enough now to pick up after yourself. We have FOUR count em FOUR dirty clothes baskets in this house please use them. When you are done playing with all 47 of the exact same Barbie doll that you HAD TO HAVE or you would JUST FALL OUT AND DIE can you please put them and their 1,562 accessories away, so mommy does not step on them and yell out inappropriate words that you repeat at school.

That is all for now.

Love,

Mommy

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Hey Morons,

To the Garbage Men:

It is actually your job is to collect the garbage and get it off of the street. I really don’t think you get paid to toss garbage all over the street and the front yard for me to pick up because you were too lazy to do your job properly. All you have to do is pick up the container and put  the trash in the garbage truck. The garbage truck does the rest. As a matter of fact the truck actually does more work than you do! Please stop leaving garbage in my front yard!

Thanks
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To the 4 Smart People Fixing Their Car on the Street:

You guys have got to be the most inconsiderate people I have ever seen in my WHOLE entire life! If the street is already narrow, why would you pick the smallest part of the street (the part of the street that curves), to fix your truck? To the two people standing in the middle of the street watching the other two fix the truck, a very special thanks goes out to you for making it harder for EVERYONE ELSE in the world to get by. Then you have the nerve to try to mean mug people on the street trying to get past you and not hit cars coming from the other direction? You people are NUTS and you are sooooo lucky my horn didn’t work today, and that I had my baby in the car, or I would have given you the business! (Probably not, because you all looked you just got out of Cell Block B….but I’m sayin)

Thanks
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To the Kid who should have been in school:

Now you know that you should have been in school at 12:30 in the afternoon! You are not in preschool or kindergarten where they actually have half days. Why are you riding your scooter in the middle of the street when there are plenty of sidewalks for you to ride on? Please tell me why you are playing chicken with your life? Do you really think that everybody is going to be paying attention all the time? (Even though they should be) Please oh please stop playing in the street, while your momma watches you from the window!

Thanks

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To The People Crossing the Street:

I know pedestrians have the right of way, but can you please use your common sense. Please don’t run to the walkway and walk in front of cars that are turning because now you don’t want to wait. And please oh please don’t cuss out the people driving the big ole cars, not everybody is a patient or as kind as I am (complete sarcasm) and you just might get cussed out right back if you catch the wrong person on the wrong day. Please don’t dance your way across the street taunting the people in the cars to do something, and for the love of everything holy can you please not cross in the middle of the intersection. What is the point of the that? Are you just trying to make people mad?

Thanks

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